Steps
by lt-alenko
Summary: Shepard struggles with recovery and learning to walk again after the war. Post ME3 Shenko.


The nurse took hold of Shepard's arm and pulled her up into a sitting position. Together, they moved her legs over the edge of the bed. She winced and drew in a sharp breath, trying not to protest. "I want you to try to take some more steps today. Maybe walk down the hall."

She looked at her, incredulous. "You're serious? No."

"Mallory, we need you to—"

"Don't call me that," she snapped. The nurse looked away

"I apologize, uh, Commander," she corrected herself humbly.

Shepard grunted something in confirmation and wiggled her legs a little. She needed to learn to walk again, and this was the only way to do it. She needed to be reacquainted with her balance, with her muscles, and with her nerves. She'd taken quite a hit from that blast, from the entire operation on Earth, really, and she needed intense physical therapy if she ever wanted out of the hospital bed where she'd spent the last few weeks, months, of her life. Which, being the woman she was, she did.

"Alright, let's give it a try," the nurse said, taking a steady hold of the Commander's arm. Another nurse entered the room to support her other arm. Her feet slid down to the floor and her entire body nearly crumpled in protest. The nurses compensated for her trembling legs, but it was clearly taking a toll on her. She chewed her bottom lip as her breathing started to become more and more ragged.

"I can't—" she choked, but the nurses guided her forward anyway. "No, I… I can't—I don't want to—" she stammered. Another step. The nurse to her left looked at her warily, but a nod insisted that she keep going. Her lungs ached in her chest, the singed and recovering skin of her stomach and hips cried in protest to the movement. Her legs shook and she hunched forward, grabbing out for her IV tower. The nurse to her right tried to stop her and steady her instead, but she pushed her off. Hot tears started to seep from her eyes down her face. She let out a shaking breath. "I can't," she breathed, defeated. "No."

"Commander, we need to get you up and moving again. Doctor Ma—"

"I don't care what the doctor said!" she cried, turning around faster than her body could handle. She wobbled slightly, her head spinning, but continued anyway. "I can't do this, I can't!" she was screaming. "I'm not ready, I, I…"

She stumbled to her right and leaned against the wall. The nurses exchanged glances and the one to her left nodded slightly. She left the room swiftly, presumably heading for the phone to call the doctor down.

"Commander," the nurse started, but Shepard cut her off once again.

"Don't, don't!" she screeched as she approached her. Tears poured down her face, and fear started to dominate her posture. Her face twisted into a look of hatred and desperation. "I'm not some wounded animal that you need to train_, I can't do this! I can't!"_

"I never said that…" the nurse said quietly, holding out a hand to help her continue. Shepard recoiled, her biotics starting to flare around her fists and in her eyes. The nurse took a step back. Shepard's shoulders fell and she gritted her teeth, trying to gain some kind of composure. She had no such luck. Instead, her spine rolled forward and her chest heaved. In vain, she took a step forward. An enraged growl ripped from her chest as she found it nearly impossible to move. A thousand words of frustration and sorrow built up in her throat but none of them found their way out of her mouth. She sobbed hard as more tears found her cheeks and her neck.

The second nurse returned. "He'll be down momentarily," she reported nervously, looking at the broken woman standing defensive on the other side of the room.

"Great," Shepard managed to mutter. She limped slowly back the long five steps to her bed and eased herself back in, trying to hide her tears. She curled even further into herself, ashamed of her weaknesses. Her failures. She'd let even herself down. She couldn't even manage to walk, never mind fend for herself. She continued to cry. Had she not been spending so much time in the recovery wing of the hospital, she would've been embarrassed at her breakdown. But she'd had many before, and this wouldn't be the last. She was just tired of being treated as helpless.

A few minutes later, the door opened. She didn't even look up to see the doctor. She just hung her head, teeth gritted, spine curled in defense for herself. "Look, I know you're here to lecture me, but," she started angrily.

"Huh, I thought it was usually you giving the lectures around here, Shepard," Kaidan smiled a little as her gaze darted up to his in surprise.

"Kaidan," she breathed, pushing the tears from her face. "What are you doing down here?"

"They asked me to come see you," he said, walking towards her bed. "Come calm you down." His hand met her forearm. "You okay?" She gave him her usual _seriously? _look. "Right. I guess that was a stupid question."

She laughed the smallest bit and he traced circles over her rough skin. "Come here, I wanna try something."

He wrapped his hands around her wrists and leaned her forward over the edge of the bed. "No," she said firmly, pulling her arms away. Resentment burned in her eyes. "That's why they called you down here?"

"Listen. Just try this with me, alright? Just five steps. That's it. And then we can do whatever you like, okay?" he offered softly. She shook her head, starting to close herself off from him. "Hey. Listen—"

"I don't need you to help me!" she cried, throwing his arm away from her. He took a surprised step back, hurt by her sudden burst of volume. "I can do this myself. I don't need your help, alright? I'm still me, I can still—" she rose hastily to her feet, stumbling as her legs shook violently beneath her. He reached out to catch her, waiting with worried eyes. "Don't touch me!" she cried, forcing her legs forward.

"Shepard, you don't need to do this. Let me help you," he pleaded.

"I don't need your help," she snarled, stumbling forward. Her head swam as the pain in her bones overwhelmed her. Her legs wobbled as she took another painstaking step. She fumbled over herself and began to trip. Kaidan caught her quickly before she hit the ground. They both sunk to the floor, him kneeling as she slumped over into him. She snapped violently into sobs, clutching his shirt in her hands. "I don't need your help, I don't need anyone's help," she cried into his chest, beating her fist against his chest. "I saved the fucking galaxy, I don't need your help," she wept, defeated.

"I'm so sorry, Shepard," he breathed into her hair, pushing back his own tears. "I need you. It's okay if you need me too."

"I don't!" she cried.

"Well, then that's okay too," he sighed. "But maybe, just for now, you'd let me help you? I want to see you better, Shepard, and the sooner that happens? The sooner I can bring you home to Vancouver and we can recover in peace."

"I'm so sick of being treated as some name on a page, another war statistic. I'm not some fucked up hunk of muscle and bones, I'm not—"

"You're Commander Shepard, and you are the strongest and most beautiful woman I have ever known. And nobody sees you as anything less. The only person standing in the way of that is yourself. Shepard, you are incredibly strong-willed and you don't need anyone to hand anything to you. But I can help you recover. I want to help you. I hate seeing you upset. "

"Everyone's telling me I'm not strong enough and I'm so fucking sick of it," she whimpered, burying her face in his neck to muffle her next cry.

He grabbed her up tightly in his arms and cradled her head roughly in his hand. "Don't you ever say that," he said vehemently . "Don't you ever say you're not strong enough. Don't you ever think that. You are the strongest person I've ever met. And I love you."

"But I," she started.

"No. No," he growled, clutching her to his chest. "Don't let them make you think that. Let me be your strength. Let me help you be strong again. I know you don't need me. But I want to be your strength. Your place to run to when you think nothing will ever change. I love you, Shepard."

She wept into his skin, the hot moisture dragging over his neck and shoulder. He rocked her back and forth, rubbing circles into her back.

Without a word, she started to rise to her feet. He stood and helped her up slowly, keeping his arm around her waist and holding her forearm with the other. He steadied her carefully and she nodded, sniffing and wiping away tears with her free hand.

"One step at a time," he murmured, looking at her gently. She nodded again and looked out over the floor of her room, a new determination setting fire to her eyes.

"One step at a time," she said, slipping her hand into his and carefully placing a foot out in front of her.


End file.
